Monday, September 19, 2016

Emotions & Honesty & Self Care, Oh My...

 This past week was a rough one for me emotionally. It started with a conversation I had with a friend. We were talking about relationships and kids and he asked me "What are you looking for?" I thought about it and answered "I want a REAL relationship, I want to get married and I want to have kids." I told him that it bothers me that I am almost 33 with no kids and no sign of any real relationship any time and I honestly feel that I don't have anything of real value because of that. Then he asked me what my insecurities are and I answered "My weight." Other than that, I am completely fine with who I am as a person. He countered that with "Well, dudes will slide in that anyway, right?" LOL *eye roll* and I had to explain to him that just because a man will sleep with me does not mean that I am desirable or attractive to him. The fact that a man wants to have sex with me does not make me feel any better about myself or my weight. Sex is not a self esteem booster.

That conversation forced me to do a bit of soul searching. I wanted to figure out why it has been so hard for me to just be okay with where I am right now, or where I'm not. I cried the entire morning the following day because I realized that although I have been working really hard on loving myself, I'm not all the way there yet. I love myself, just not enough right now. And that's what truly made me realize that all of those things that I am looking for in a man, and it's rare that a man has ever shown me that I'm deserving of much of anything, especially not love. Sigh. Being completely honest with myself really brings the tears out (I'm even struggling to write this now). So, I'm dealing with all these emotions and I'm trying to figure out HOW CAN I HELP MYSELF?! HOW? I need a plan of action, and I need one right away.

Within the past few months, I've been reading A LOT about self care and using it to build self esteem. Whether it be poor diet and exercise routine or not telling myself "I'm Enough.", I've always lacked in the self care department. So I have developed a list of self care practices that will help me on this self love journey.

1. Date Night. Date myself, once a week. Dinner, movie or even coffee at Starbucks with a book.
2. Move More. A bike ride or a quiet walk alone.
3. Drink More Water. A lot more.
4. Art Journaling and/or Painting. Get back to things that I love beyond working, baking.
5. DeClutter and Create Amazing Creative/Living Space. This is the most important to me right now. With me being at home with my parents and currently sorting out plans to move, I've struggled with the idea of whether or not it's worth putting in the time and effort towards creating an ideal space for myself and my work. I realize it's NEVER NOT WORTH IT.

What kind of self care do you practice/recommend?

Cheers to self discovery, honesty, transparency, love and change!

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