Dear Future Husband...

I decided I should write you a letter. I have no idea who you are or where you are but a few days ago I decided I NEEDED to write to you. Not so long ago I thought it was the end of the world, but now I am so appreciative that we haven't yet made our way to one another. Or maybe we have and just don't know it yet. Hmmm? Either way, I'm not quite ready and how could I expect you to share your life with someone who isn't ready? Don't get me wrong, I've been anxiously ready to know you and love you but most importantly, I need to know and love myself too. I don't want to give you some of me with the expectation that you fill a void. I want to give you 100% of the best version of myself.

I'm still working.

I'm working on accepting every part of me, so that it won't be unbelievable to hear you say you love everything about me. I'm working on being content without you and enjoy my own company, so there won't be a moment that I doubt you want to be around. I'm working on being genuinely happy, so that I can make you the happiest man in the world.

I want you to know that I'm your biggest fan and no matter what life throws at you, at us, I'll be right by your side, probably getting on your nerves. I want you to know that your family is mine. I want you to know that I pray for you and I thank God for all that He is doing in your life to prepare you for me. I apologize now for the million questions while we're watching tv and for my potential snoring. Woo! Forgive me, I'm not perfect.

I look forward to all that comes with being your wife. I will appreciate the good and the bad, and our growth. I look forward to cooking for two instead of one and baking cakes for your birthday. I look forward to cuddling and waking up next to my best friend. I look forward to it all!

Dear future husband,
I'm patiently waiting.
With love, Your future wife.
Brandi

A Transformation...

I am completely OBSESSED with love.
With the thought of being in love.
I tried to convince myself that I should be ashamed about this.
I am not.
I am ashamed that I have failed to do right by myself because I've wanted someone else to validate my worth.
I know how great I am, I've just wanted so badly for someone else to know how great I am.
Today, I am grateful for second chances.
I am grateful for the realization that all I ever wanted, I've had it all along.
The love that I have been looking for, I have it. I don't need anyone to know how great I am as long as I know it. I don't need anyone to love every part of me, because I can give myself that same love. I don't have to question or doubt it.

I took myself on a date yesterday. Dinner and a movie. I sat in a movie theatre. All alone and I enjoyed my own company. I cried.
Then I sat alone in a restaurant and I had a meal surrounded by a ton of people, families, couples friends engaging in converstation and there I was...enjoying my own company. I was alone but I wasn't lonely. At all.

I thought a lot. About me. My life isn't nearly where I want it to be but I spent my time at dinner reflecting on the things that I am grateful for every day:

I am grateful for my job and the opportunity to earn money doing something that I love doing.
I am grateful for my ability to create.
I am grateful for my ability to love, fearlessly.
I am grateful that there is no where to go but UP.

I am happy with who I am. I am beautiful enough for ME. I am good enough for ME. I am worthy enough...FOR ME. I know there is someone out there who will someday appreciate all of who I am but until then, it's me and you, Brandi.

Emotions & Honesty & Self Care, Oh My...

 This past week was a rough one for me emotionally. It started with a conversation I had with a friend. We were talking about relationships and kids and he asked me "What are you looking for?" I thought about it and answered "I want a REAL relationship, I want to get married and I want to have kids." I told him that it bothers me that I am almost 33 with no kids and no sign of any real relationship any time and I honestly feel that I don't have anything of real value because of that. Then he asked me what my insecurities are and I answered "My weight." Other than that, I am completely fine with who I am as a person. He countered that with "Well, dudes will slide in that anyway, right?" LOL *eye roll* and I had to explain to him that just because a man will sleep with me does not mean that I am desirable or attractive to him. The fact that a man wants to have sex with me does not make me feel any better about myself or my weight. Sex is not a self esteem booster.

That conversation forced me to do a bit of soul searching. I wanted to figure out why it has been so hard for me to just be okay with where I am right now, or where I'm not. I cried the entire morning the following day because I realized that although I have been working really hard on loving myself, I'm not all the way there yet. I love myself, just not enough right now. And that's what truly made me realize that all of those things that I am looking for in a man, and it's rare that a man has ever shown me that I'm deserving of much of anything, especially not love. Sigh. Being completely honest with myself really brings the tears out (I'm even struggling to write this now). So, I'm dealing with all these emotions and I'm trying to figure out HOW CAN I HELP MYSELF?! HOW? I need a plan of action, and I need one right away.

Within the past few months, I've been reading A LOT about self care and using it to build self esteem. Whether it be poor diet and exercise routine or not telling myself "I'm Enough.", I've always lacked in the self care department. So I have developed a list of self care practices that will help me on this self love journey.

           
1. Date Night. Date myself, once a week. Dinner, movie or even coffee at Starbucks with a book.
2. Move More. A bike ride or a quiet walk alone.
3. Drink More Water. A lot more.
4. Art Journaling and/or Painting. Get back to things that I love beyond working, baking.
5. DeClutter and Create Amazing Creative/Living Space. This is the most important to me right now. With me being at home with my parents and currently sorting out plans to move, I've struggled with the idea of whether or not it's worth putting in the time and effort towards creating an ideal space for myself and my work. I realize it's NEVER NOT WORTH IT.

What kind of self care do you practice/recommend?

Cheers to self discovery, honesty, transparency, love and change!

The Weight Loss Post...

So I challenged myself to be vegan for a year.

I didn't make it.

I can't say it was any reason other than, I didn't want to do it anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed eating a vegan diet, I felt really good all the time but it got boring to me and it became so worrisome having to tiptoe around every meal and every grocery store visit. I have so much respect for full time vegans, bravo to you but I missed cheese...SO MUCH.

Another big reason was weight loss. Let's talk weight loss. When I first switched to the vegan diet I lost 33 pounds in a matter of weeks. It was amazing. Unbelievable, really. I could'nt believe I finally figured it out. I was on cloud nine. Then my weightloss stalled. I was doing all the same things, but I wasn't losing weight anymore. I'm sure that there are things I could have done (like work out) that could have jumpstarted my weight loss but my brain does not work like that. I got discouraged and all those 33 pounds are now back with me.

Sigh. I have lost and gained this same 30 pounds so many times, I've honestly lost count.

I don't know why weight loss has been so hard for me, it seems like it should be something pretty straight forward for me, so cut and dry, but again, my brain doesn't work like that. So here I am, writing my first real post on this blog, trying to refocus and get my mind right. I want it, and I realize that I have to take care of myself to actually GET IT! My lifestyle is changing. I'm no longer vegan but the goal is to still be healthy. I have dealt with issues of emotional eating for years and it's time to break these habits, get active and change my life forever.

I choose to document this journey on my blog because I don't have much of a support system as far as weight loss goes and I am hoping this will be helpful for me along the way. I hope you guys choose to stick around for the journey with me.

About Me

Who am I?
The real answer is "I'm still on that journey"
But today...
I'm just Brandi.
Welcome to my blog!

I am a 32 year old cake decorator from Detroit, Michigan. I currently work at local cupcake bakery and have dreams of opening my own bakery someday. I don't do much outside of work other than bake out of my home and I am known to pick up an occasional hobby or two every now and then, but I look forward to moving my life into a more productive and active direction.

I'm so happy you decided to stop by and experience this journey with me.

Here are 10 things about me, you just HAVE TO know:

1. I am an artist/designer...sometimes. I love everything about art and design. From the time I was a little girl, I knew that I wanted to be artist. I graduated high school from the Detroit School of Arts and was a graphic design major in college at The International Academy of Design and Technology but did not finish. I do paint occasionally and I have a sketchbook full of ideas that I plan on bringing to life and hopefully sharing with you guys, soon.

2. I've never had a driver's license. Guys, I know! It's bad. When I was learning how to drive, I hit a car and have been traumatized and terrified to get behind the wheel ever since. I'm currently looking into adult driving classes. Don't laugh.

3. I have been both vegan and vegetarian. I'm not anti-meat. Meat is actually delicious. We'll talk later about this.

4. I LOVE Hip Hop. Like, I'm obsessed! If you already know me, you KNOW my favorite rappers are Kendrick and Lupe. No questions. I also like Blu, who actually made my favorite hip hop album everrrrr...Below the Heavens, and a list of others guys who are pretty dope.

5. I have nine siblings. Six sisters and three brothers. I am the oldest.

6. I dream of living in the Pacific Northwest. Seattle or Portland, preferably. I've never been to either city but they seem like places I need to be.

7. I want to study photography. When I graduated high school, my plan was to go to  college and become this awesome photojournalist. Obviously, that never happened but it is my goal to purchase a camera and get out here!

8. I love to read. I picked this up from my mom, who has always been an avid reader. I'm always looking for a good book. Any suggestions?

9. I am on a journey to lose 70 pounds. I had a goal to lose 100 pounds this year. I've lost 30 and although I've struggled the past couple months, I'm looking forward to getting this 70 pounds off,  I just have to stay focused. weight loss is not easy.

10. I would love to be a wife and mother someday. This is touchy for me. Honestly, at 32, sometimes I feel like my time is running out, but only time will really tell.

I hope that you all continue to come along for the ride here at From Brandi, With Love. I'm so happy to share this journey of self love, self care and my passions with you!